Held

“This is what it means to be held. How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life and you survive. This is what it is to be loved and to know, that the promise was when everything fell we'd be held.” Natalie Grant – Held

On July 6th, we had our regular monthly doctor’s appointment with our OBGYN & our bi-weekly appointment with the Perinatal Group for growth and development for the twins. We first saw Dr. Nash (OBGYN) and everything seemed to be going well. She did a quick sonogram to check on the babies heartbeats and then checked them again with the Doppler machine. She stated that she didn’t see a heartbeat for Baby A (Boy), but not to worry she was going to double check again and her equipment isn’t as good as the perinatal groups. She still didn’t see a heartbeat and stated that she was going to call the perinatal group and get our appointment moved up to check everything out. We arrived at the perinatal group and they whisked us away to one of the many high tech ultrasound rooms. The technician came and started the ultrasound. She checked over Baby B (Girl) and she looked great and then she checked Baby A (Boy). She said, “I don’t see a heartbeat for this baby.” Jamie immediately asked if the doctor comes in to verify that this is in fact the case and Ben started to cry. She stated that he did and proceeded to squeeze Jamie’s arm and hand Ben a box of tissues. Then, what seemed like hours, Dr. Harstad came in to take a look. He was very methodical and scanned over and over and over again. He said, “I am so sorry, but unfortunately, I don’t see a heartbeat for this baby anymore.”

Dr. Harstad then proceed to inform us that he didn’t see any reason on the ultrasound that would have caused the death of the baby. That everything looked as good as it did weeks prior when we had the growth and development ultrasound. He stated that we would have to carry the baby until delivery and that since they were dizygotic twins, that Baby B (Girl) should be fine and not affected. We asked several questions that came to mind right away. The doctor then said he wanted to see us next week to check everything over again and excused himself from the room. The technician then told us to take as much time as we needed and then she looked Jamie right in the eyes and said, “It is nothing that you did. You didn’t do anything wrong to cause this.” She then left us alone in the room. We were devastated. How could a baby so perfect weeks prior have no heartbeat? Why is this happening to us? We have tried for a family for so long and we were blessed with the perfect combination of a boy and girl. God, we don’t understand!

We got ourselves together as best we could and left to head home. After arriving at home, we gathered ourselves as best as we could and called our family. The shock and sadness in their voices was awful. They were the hardest calls that we have ever had to make. Jamie’s parents came and spent a couple of nights with us and Ben’s parents were with us in spirit and in touch by phone.

Since we were withholding the names until their birth, we hadn’t shared them with anyone. We were asked his name so that people could pray for him by name. The name that we chose for our son was Conley Andrew Miller. We are still withholding our baby girl’s name until the day of delivery. But, we will give you this much, _ _ _ _ _ _ Alice Miller.

We are grieving the loss of our son, but we are joyful that God has still blessed us with a second child. We know that the day of their birth will be a difficult one, but we know that we are surrounded in love and prayers by our family, church family and friends. The next weeks are critical for our baby girl. We are currently at 23 weeks and the doctor wants us to reach 32 weeks. Please pray for protection over our sweet girl and for God’s continual peace for our families.

Conley, Mommy and Daddy love you very much and can’t wait to hold you in our arms. For now, may you be held by our Lord Jesus Christ.

Thank you for the outpouring of love, support and prayers that you have shown us. Thank you for holding us up at this time.

So loved,
Jamie & Ben